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  • Ettiquette for a friend announcing they're on hospice?

Yipsy There's that fear that yes you know you were friends and meant something to each other but what do you mean to someone when they know they're going to die soon? Do you mean enough to even be thought of when you're in your final moments? I honestly have no idea where I rate in that scenario.

My brother got a diagnosis of only 6 months to live. Just straight forward shocking shit. After going through the Hell that is chemo and anything else they do, he responded nicely....gained weight back, (not hair...he was a Smith!😄) and the next Spring we were off and golfing almost weekly; and his 6 months were up. We were still playing golf at the end of Oct. that year. He passed on just 5 weeks after our last round. We never discussed anything about the cancer or treatments, just the normal bullshit from brothers, when we were together.

His last 3 days were spent in hospice, and I could not get there until that 3rd evening. My wife and I had only been there about 20 minutes when I noticed he was gone.
Waited til I showed up to say goodbye. I'll believe that til the day I die.

Call your friend and just ask how things are going. 'nuff said. She'll dictate the convo from there.
Someone is going to answer the phone, she's never going to be alone.
jmo

      Par4QC

      Sorry about your brother and I bet you're right. He was waiting for you. Glad you have that memory and had that time before he passed.

        Yipsy Just went through it with a high school friend of mine. Died at 53. He was kinda there when we saw him. In and out. I went with a friend in our group who was closer with him. We told him he looked like shit since it would be unusual if we didn’t rip each other. As I get older, I realize that it’s for everyone’s benefit. He appreciated seeing us. We get closure and relive a few memories. I think the people most affected are the immediate family. It makes a world of difference to them. It shows support and gives them a few minutes break from reality. I was surprised at his wake when his wife stood up, and calmly thanked his friends who have been there supporting them during the process. By the end she was bawling and said she couldn’t have gotten through it all without them.

            • Yipsy

              • Post #22
              • Edited

              Taki27

              Like with @Par4QC and his post I was in that moment in my mind. I'm so sorry you lost your friend but am happy you have the memory and are advising for others (me) to get to live with that same peace.

              I can't be there. I can only phone or text. I recently lost a childhoold best friend to a bizarre accident. He was on life support and many of the core group of friends from that time were told they couldn't visit him. When the shocking update came from his ex-wife that he requested to end life-support I was devastated. I was willing to commit the rest of my life and my wife was on board with living in his home and caring for him as he was quadriplegic. It was from the heart. I actually wanted to do it and didn't just think I wanted to do it. What better way to pay homage to what he meant to me as a child and younger man than to care for his every need. Sacrifice is imporant in life.

              Sorry, I'm digressing. I can't get to her and can only call and she went on to live a very different life than mine. I'm a remnant from her more humble beginnings. She lived the best good life out in California. It's been so many years and I feel very insecure about trying to get to her in her final moments but I will try today. We'll see if I can get to her.

              She is posting weird things on social media. That is something I saw with another friend who died very suddenly ravaged with cancer like she is. It may already be too late. Will hurt to not be able to say good bye like with so many others that just pass so suddenly. Her cousin and I were friends for 50 years. We were in touch but I got a note on a Sunday night she'd passed. Her best friend said she felt bad she didn't reach out when she was rushed to the hospital on a Thursday. I texted her that day and the message went unreturned. By Saturday she was gone. Her best friend watched her go. Her best friend was my childhood neighbor. Your head spins. She is gone. You weren't there. You didn't even know.

              Thanks again for the advice.

                Someone on hospice is a painful situation. Both my father and my wife’s father had failing organs that could not be treated at their age and condition and made the decision to go that route. Anyway, I have to assume your friend wants to see or hear from as many loved ones as possible, and you as well. No need to talk about the future unless she wants to talk about what to do with her affairs in the aftermath or is seeking some spiritual assurance.

                I sent a text at this pre-7am time in California. Asked for 30 seconds. If she is able hopefully she responds. You just never really know how bad it might be right now.

                Thank you to everyone who cared to help someone they don't know. Very kind of all of you.

                Par4QC Hospice is a very, very short term deal.

                Not at all. People are literally in hospice for years.

                    Par4QC Waited til I showed up to say goodbye. I'll believe that til the day I die.

                    Yes Sir. I've lived this scenario with Dad. I visited every day. On a Monday he was there and functioning well cognitively. The following day, still breathing but he was "gone". I'm still so glad I went.
                    Regrets about such are a weighty burden.

                      Yipsy just call, and make sure you don't have any regrets about not reaching out.
                      When boss lady was in the hospital, I didn't want to be bothering her, and jumping in the line of visitors. She mentioned to a mutual friend that she was surprised that I hadn't visited yet.
                      That told me I should make it a regular visit until she got out of there. I made it a regular weekly visit. I kinda wish I had been visiting well before that.
                      Just call until you get her on the phone, and maybe a couple more times to check on her. Don't wait, don't have any regrets about talking with your friend.

                          garyt1957

                          Thank you for this. I was relating some of the comments here that hospice is a short-term (days) type deal. She said it can be years. I knew someone on hospice who lasted a few months.

                          I do think in this particular case the caution that it's days fits. I think she's either heavily sedated or gone and I haven't been told. She was the fighter's fighter. I believe this announcement of hospice was only made because she knew she didn't really have any other choice and it was over. My belief is most people facing what she was would've given up long before she did.

                          My text that was sent at 648am has not been returned. She could be sleeping. She could be too drugged to be aware.

                          She was up at 215am reposting an ad on social media. It appears accidental because it makes no sense for her to have done so. Completely out of character of everything I've seen her post over the years. Her cousin went into the hosptial on a Thursday and was dead on Saturday. They are different cancers but similar people and fighters.

                          Nothing would be better than hearing my phone ring or a text sounder indicating she responded. My gut tells me her huband will be updating her webpage later today or tomorrow.

                            Walterjn

                            Now that I've sent a text it's hard to call. I believe that if she is able that text will be returned. I wish I had some context of what her immediate situation is. Is she looking at days, weeks, months? Given what I do know about her cancer and her pain and its recent spread I can't imagine the timeline is long and I think it might be too late.

                            I sent a note on her webpage. I doubt she even saw that. I checked back through my old texts earlier this morning and the last we communicated was May 19 of last year at 536p her time. She was relating her shock that one of our mutal friends was taken off life support and gone. She lamented his passing and wondered "How could that smiley guy be gone?". I'd sent a picture to her of us together with him smiling so widely.

                            All of you who got to say goodbye have been given an incredible gift. I don't think I've ever gotten that. It seems I'm always trying to communicate and then I find the reason the person didn't commnunicate was they were gone.