My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.
I told her it’s because it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
Dad Jokes
What do you call two guys hanging from your window?
Curt and Rod.
If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him ...
Is he still wrong?
A man told the cops about a hole in a fence surrounding a nudist colony. They told him they would be happy to look into it.
- Edited
It's a 15 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.
The doctor said I'm paranoid.
Didn't come right out and say that, but I know that's what he was thinking.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”
- Edited
Proof that the Earth IS flat....
It's 70% water and is non-carbonated.
How did the farmer count his livestock?
With a "cow"culator.
4 days later
It doesn't matter if one is short or tall.....thin or fat.....rich or poor.
At the end of the day, it's night.
Old bull and young bull were on a hillside grazing. Young bull says, "How about we run down to the pasture and screw us a couple of cows?" Old bull slowly raises his head and replies, "How about we walk down and screw 'em all."
The difference between a pizza maker and a gynecologist is that both can smell it but only one can eat it.
The difference between 110V and 440V is more than shocking.
How can you tell the difference between a regular joke and a dad joke?
It's very apparent.
15 days later
My wife called me at the bar and said if I wasn't home in ten minutes she was going to feed the dinner she cooked for me to the dog.
I was home in five minutes. I love that dog too much to let that happen to him.
My wife told me she wants a divorce because i'm not 'American enough' for her.
I could see that coming from 8 kilometers.
Y'all know the pool on the Titanic is still full of water?
A bear and rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with s#it sticking to his fur. The rabbit replies "NO", not at all.
So the bear wiped his a$$ with the rabbit...
