Joke Thread

Rickochet · 2020-08-14T00:25:16+00:00

Another thread got me thinking about some of my old favorite jokes. I will post a few here. Share yours as well. We all could use some jocularity these da...

mulegolf

MellowJ wish there was some clean jokes...what happened to just being funny?

If you'd contribute them, there would be. I like those too.

mulegolf

New Golf Rules for Seniors:
The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow. Rule 2.d.6 (b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there. Rule 3.b.3(g) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty. Rule 4.c.7(h) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf. Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game. Rule 6.a.9(k) There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty. Rule 7.g.15(z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings. Rule 8.k.9(s) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment. Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

HybridWood

mulegolf No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

This made me LOL, buried in the middle of the paragraph!

Mattyv

Walterjn

A blonde is out looking at yard sales. She come across a silver cylinder pick it up and asks the sell what it is. Seller tells her it is a thermos, and that it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. Blonde buys it and takes it to work. Her boss sees it and asks the blonde what she has there, blonde replies "it's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. Boss tells her, ' I know what it is, what do you have in it?'. Blonde says, ' 2 cups of coffee and a popsicle!'.

mikeintopeka

Subject: You just can't be cheap. How Adam got Eve.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?' Adam said, he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that, He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg.'" Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?' AND -- - - of course, the rest is history....!!!!

fatshot

Showing my age, I know, but.......

livegolf

I love stupid jokes so this one kills me...

What did one ocean say to the other?

Sea you later! Or...Nothing, it just waved 😆🙂

sdandrea1

livegolf What did one ocean say to the other?

Sea you later! Or...Nothing, it just waved

Giphy - frustrated fuck my life GIF

kelco9

A man's wife has been in the hospital for several days with a mysterious disease. Her doctor is notoriously disorganized and regularly misplaces or mixes up patient files. At the time he has two patients: one who has Alzheimer's and the other who has AIDS. He can't remember which is which.

The doctor calls the man into his office and says, "I'm afraid your wife is seriously ill."

The man sits down in a chair deflated. "My God, doctor, what is it?"

The doctor looks at him and says, "I'm really not sure. But when you take your wife home this afternoon, I'd drop her off at city limits. If she finds her way home, don't have sex with her."

kelco9

This one's from the Sopranos, but it is one of my favourite jokes:

As a tribute to their fallen generals, the US Cavalry commissioned a great artist to create a piece of art for each of them.

When it was Mrs. Custer turn, she was led into the Oval Office where she was met by the artist who was standing by a painting with a cloth draped over it. Mrs. Custer was led to a chair in front of the painting to await its unveiling. The artist solemnly walked to the painting and with a flourish, pulled back the cloth.

Mrs. Custer was shocked. Her mouth dropped open as she stared at the image of her husband riding gallantly into battle, a cow with a halo and cherubs floating around featured prominently in the painting, and numerous native couple copulating in the grass in all imaginable positions.

Mrs. Custer jaw drops; her mouth agape. "Wh...wh...what the hell is this!!!"

The artist looks at her and said, "Oh. It's your husband's last moments on Earth. I tried to capture what I think was his last thoughts. I figure he was thinking, 'Holy Cow! Look at all the fuckin' Indians?'"

kelco9

A guy tells his wife that he's going golfing and she freaks out. "What the hell are you talking about! My parents are coming over at 5 for dinner!" "No problem. That's 7 hours from now; I'll be back by 3 at the lastest."

3 o'clock comes and he's not back. 4 o'clock. 5 o'clock. Nope. Finally at 9:00 that night he finally gets home.

"Where the Hell have you been!!!"

"Please. Give me a break. I've had a terrible, tiring, LONG day."

"I don't give a shit! You said you'd be back to have dinner with my parents!!!"

"We went golfing and we were on the second tee, and Bobby dropped to the ground clutching his chest! It was a heart attack."

The man's wife stared blankly at him. "I'm so, so, so sorry. I didn't think. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. My arm's just sore because all day long it was 'Hit the ball, drag Bobby. Hit the ball, drag Bobby.'"

livegolf

sdandrea1 tough crowd

Dufferman

Joined a Dad Joke Facebook group to bring some levity to my FB feed. Saw one the other day that cracked me up. Especially being a science teachers.

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans!

sdandrea1

Hear about the short psychic who escaped from jail? He is a small medium at large.......

Rickochet

A guy is out bird hunting on his farm. He needs to get to the next field but has to climb over the fence. He props his shotgun on the fence and as he is climbing the shotgun starts to fall and discharges shooting him in the crotch. A neighbor saw it happen and called EMS. He wakes up the next morning in the hospital with the Dr. standing there. The doc says, "You were very fortunate and all of your private parts are still in tact." Doc gives him a business card and says, "This is my sister and in about 3 weeks I want you to call her." He says, "Is she a plastic surgeon?" The doc says, "No, she is a piccolo player. She can show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes."

azgreg

darpar

sdandrea1

The genius of Steven Wright 🤣

https://www.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02RFEAFLNGEArEBUg9DkwkKGsVP1wyWFq8BtEDLkyB4aZT3KUJhT8oTTMb6JxtopAal&id=100044445186063&post_id=100044445186063_pfbid02RFEAFLNGEArEBUg9DkwkKGsVP1wyWFq8BtEDLkyB4aZT3KUJhT8oTTMb6JxtopAal&mibextid=Nif5oz

mulegolf

sdandrea1
He was always one of my favorites. Just the deadpan way he talked was funny on it's own.

sdandrea1

mulegolf

Giphy - live forever time GIF by Fizzdom.com

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