Joke Thread

Rickochet · 2020-08-14T00:25:16+00:00

Another thread got me thinking about some of my old favorite jokes. I will post a few here. Share yours as well. We all could use some jocularity these da...

garyt1957

A very attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and wanted to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The pit boss said okay.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers and the pit boss, then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,.... but all men... well, are men!

garyt1957

During a recent audit by a company, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include one capital."

garyt1957

A cabbie picks up a nun in NYC. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't
want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you
have seen and heard just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well," the cabbie says, "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun. She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number
one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." The
cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"Okay," the nun says. " Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills
his fantasy with a deep passionate kiss. But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun,
"why are you crying?" "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, that's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
masquerade party."

garyt1957

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

garyt1957

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

garyt1957

Man walks up to the bartender and says "give me a Corona and 2 Hurricanes"
Bartender replies "That'll be $20.20"

fatshot

A woman walks into the pro shop at a golf resort and walks up to the Pro....she says,

"My husband and I just checked in last night, and we had a HORRIBLE fight, and I'm afraid it was my fault!
I want to buy him a golf gift to make up....what do you suggest??"

The pro says, "Well, putters are always a popular gift, and we have some nice Odyssey putters over there
on the rack. They're on sale too!"

So, the woman has him pick out one and buys it for her husband. Then she says, "Do you have a card

so I could write him a note....?" The pro digs up a card, and she says, "Now...what is something 'golfy'
I can write in the note?"

The pro says, "Well...you're giving him a putter, so how about.... 'Never UP....Never IN...!!??'"

The lady cries, "Oh NO....!!!! That's what caused the argument in the first place...!!!!"

mulegolf

A man got on a bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “Its golf balls.”
The blond looked at him compassionately and said, “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?”

mulegolf

Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade golf clubs. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 17 yards farther than my old ones!”

mulegolf

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, ‘Ma’am, does this look like yours?’ And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!”

MellowJ

wish there was some clean jokes...what happened to just being funny?

mulegolf

MellowJ wish there was some clean jokes...what happened to just being funny?

If you'd contribute them, there would be. I like those too.

mulegolf

New Golf Rules for Seniors:
The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow. Rule 2.d.6 (b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there. Rule 3.b.3(g) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty. Rule 4.c.7(h) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf. Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game. Rule 6.a.9(k) There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty. Rule 7.g.15(z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings. Rule 8.k.9(s) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment. Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

HybridWood

mulegolf No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

This made me LOL, buried in the middle of the paragraph!

Mattyv

Walterjn

A blonde is out looking at yard sales. She come across a silver cylinder pick it up and asks the sell what it is. Seller tells her it is a thermos, and that it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. Blonde buys it and takes it to work. Her boss sees it and asks the blonde what she has there, blonde replies "it's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold. Boss tells her, ' I know what it is, what do you have in it?'. Blonde says, ' 2 cups of coffee and a popsicle!'.

mikeintopeka

Subject: You just can't be cheap. How Adam got Eve.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?' Adam said, he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that, He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg.'" Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?' AND -- - - of course, the rest is history....!!!!

fatshot

Showing my age, I know, but.......

livegolf

I love stupid jokes so this one kills me...

What did one ocean say to the other?

Sea you later! Or...Nothing, it just waved 😆🙂

sdandrea1

livegolf What did one ocean say to the other?

Sea you later! Or...Nothing, it just waved

Giphy - frustrated fuck my life GIF

kelco9

A man's wife has been in the hospital for several days with a mysterious disease. Her doctor is notoriously disorganized and regularly misplaces or mixes up patient files. At the time he has two patients: one who has Alzheimer's and the other who has AIDS. He can't remember which is which.

The doctor calls the man into his office and says, "I'm afraid your wife is seriously ill."

The man sits down in a chair deflated. "My God, doctor, what is it?"

The doctor looks at him and says, "I'm really not sure. But when you take your wife home this afternoon, I'd drop her off at city limits. If she finds her way home, don't have sex with her."

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