Joke Thread

Rickochet

Another thread got me thinking about some of my old favorite jokes. I will post a few here. Share yours as well. We all could use some jocularity these days.

Here we go.
A couple of good ole boys are driving down a country road and see a sheep with her head stuck in the fence. The driver says, "Man I can't pass this up." He pulls over walks over to the sheep, drops his jeans and has his way with her. He then turns around and says to his bud, "You want some of this too?" His bud says, "Sure, why not" His bud walks over, drops his jeans and sticks his head into the fence.

Willis

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

The female golfer/therapist urged him to let him help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?

He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”

mulegolf

A professor is giving a lecture to his medical students on human anatomy and involuntary muscle response. He turns to a woman in the front row and says "for instance, do you know what your asshole is doing when you're having an orgasm?" To which she replies "probably out golfing with his buddies."

garyt1957

There's a superhero convention in NY. Superman passes Batman and Aquaman in the hall. Batman says "Hey Supes this is your chance to hook up with Wonder Woman, she's a nymph. Superman says "I couldn't as much as I'd like to,I have too much respect for her . Aquaman says "You gotta go for it Clark, she's fantastic.

Superman is now all worked up so he decides to go for a fly in the country. Lo and behold what does he see in an empty field of clover but a naked Wonder Woman with her legs spread and she's writhing on the ground.

Superman thinks "Well if I use my super speed I can fly down there and do my business before she knows what happened and I'll be gone .

So he drops his tights and BAM! he's in there piledriving and then gone in an instant.

Wonder Woman says "What the Hell was that?" And the Invisible Man says "I don't know but my ass sure is sore"

Tcafla

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack. ”Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here
and you're putting."

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through.”

mulegolf

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

garyt1957

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica with all the annual updates.
Excellent condition. $250 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows everything.

garyt1957

What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.

A blonde broke down crying when she was told by her doctor that she was pregnant with twins. What's wrong asked the doctor? The blonde said, my husband won't believe me when I tell him I don't know who the father is of the second child.

A blonde heard that accidents happen close to home so she moved!

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial
intelligence.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why was the blonde so proud of herself? She finished a puzzle in 5 hours, the box said 3-5 years.

After the helicopter crash, the blonde pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."

garyt1957

A guy comes across six men beating up his mother-in-law.
His wife asks, "Aren't you going to help??"
The guy says, "Nah. Six should be enough."

garyt1957

A very attractive blonde from Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and wanted to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The pit boss said okay.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers and the pit boss, then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,.... but all men... well, are men!

garyt1957

During a recent audit by a company, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include one capital."

garyt1957

A cabbie picks up a nun in NYC. She gets into the cab and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't
want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you
have seen and heard just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well," the cabbie says, "I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun. She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number
one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." The
cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"Okay," the nun says. " Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills
his fantasy with a deep passionate kiss. But when they get back on the
road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun,
"why are you crying?" "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess: I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, that's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
masquerade party."

garyt1957

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

garyt1957

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

garyt1957

Man walks up to the bartender and says "give me a Corona and 2 Hurricanes"
Bartender replies "That'll be $20.20"

fatshot

A woman walks into the pro shop at a golf resort and walks up to the Pro....she says,

"My husband and I just checked in last night, and we had a HORRIBLE fight, and I'm afraid it was my fault!
I want to buy him a golf gift to make up....what do you suggest??"

The pro says, "Well, putters are always a popular gift, and we have some nice Odyssey putters over there
on the rack. They're on sale too!"

So, the woman has him pick out one and buys it for her husband. Then she says, "Do you have a card

so I could write him a note....?" The pro digs up a card, and she says, "Now...what is something 'golfy'
I can write in the note?"

The pro says, "Well...you're giving him a putter, so how about.... 'Never UP....Never IN...!!??'"

The lady cries, "Oh NO....!!!! That's what caused the argument in the first place...!!!!"

mulegolf

A man got on a bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “Its golf balls.”
The blond looked at him compassionately and said, “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?”

mulegolf

Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade golf clubs. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 17 yards farther than my old ones!”

mulegolf

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, ‘Ma’am, does this look like yours?’ And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!”

MellowJ

wish there was some clean jokes...what happened to just being funny?

mulegolf

MellowJ wish there was some clean jokes...what happened to just being funny?

If you'd contribute them, there would be. I like those too.