As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.
Have you heard of the new sport called quiet tennis? It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm scared it will be closed.
What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays? Retired.
If you lose something in a senior care home, don't stop looking until you've searched every nook and granny.
An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. "So," he says, "Do I come here often?"
Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck…
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
My wife screamed, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?!” What a weird place to start a conversation.
Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?” Husband: "How can I?
I don't even know her."
Don’t get mad at lazy people. They didn’t do anything.
I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.
My daughter’s fourth birthday was today. When she came to see me, I didn’t recognize her at first. I had never seen her be four.