LOL... I've heard it before but still laugh every time I hear it.
Here's one (look what you've started!).
So a guy is playing some twilight golf by himself, and he's really struggling. He's beating the crap out of the ball, hitting the cart paths, hitting it off of trees - the ball looks like it's been played 1000 rounds but miraculously he's somehow avoided losing it. He's looking at the ball as he's standing on the tee of this long par3 with a forced carry over water, and decides this isn't the time or place to put the brand new ball in his pocket on the tee. So he puts the old beaten up ball on the tee, and suddenly he hears this voice speaking to him from the heavens. "Put the new ball on the tee, have some faith, my child."
The guy is obviously taken aback, scratching his head, mumbling that things have gotten so bad now that he's hearing things. He leaves the old ball on the tee, takes his stance, and is trying to focus in on his target when the voice from the heavens speaks again. "I said, have some faith, my child. Remove the old ball, put the new ball on the tee."
At this point the guy realizes that he's not hearing things, that God is speaking to him. So he eagerly takes the old ball and puts it in his pocket, and excitedly puts the new ball on the tee. His mind is racing, and he thinks to himself, "I've never had a hole-in-one, but this is divine intervention! I can't wait to tell all of my buddies about this!"
So he confidently steps up to the ball, takes a look at the target. Then the voice from the heavens speaks again. "Relax, my child. Take a deep breath and take a few practice swings while imagining a good swing with an excellent result." So the guy backs off, looks up to the heavens and gives an affirmative nod, acknowledging that a higher power is now in complete control. He takes a hard, unrhythmic practice swing, that takes this huge swath of a divot out of the earth.
"Relax, my child and take another practice swing," the voice again tells him. Once again he takes a practice swing, and once again takes another deep, nasty divot that goes flying. "Take another one," the voice tells him. He takes another practice swing. "And another," the voice replies. "And another," the voice replies once again. "And another." "And another."
After 6-7 practice swings, the voice from the heavens speaks one last time.
"Alright. Put the new ball back in your pocket and put the old ball back on the tee. This one is out of my league."