Has anyone on here ever been involved with this? Adopted/fostered, or been adopted/fostered?

The big questions I have:

When? I know this will be a financial investment, moreso the adoption than fostering. The longer I wait, the more people I'll be financially able to help as there will be more wealth to start with. However, there is need out there now that I can resolve. We have a three bedroom home, and once our tenant (my wife's coworker) moves out, we'll have two empty bedrooms with a bathroom in between. There's even a little living room up there we have no real use for at present - it feels absurd to let it sit empty for long.

Adopt vs Foster? There's risk any time you bring someone into your home. We're going to a meeting about the process next week, but my understanding is that a foster child is not a legal family member - thus if they do anything stupid, the liability can't come back to me. I want my wife to have a comfortable life and retirement someday, and while we're willing to delay it to help these kids, I don't want to jeopardize everything by putting our financial future in the hands of an apathetic/ignorant kid. That would also severely limit the help we can offer other kids.

Any feedback?

I have quite a few friends that have adopted. And I have 2 acquaintances that have had foster children. It takes a special couple to take these kids into their homes and care for them as if it is one of their own. And in the case of adopted children, they do become your own.

The 2 that have/had foster children did it for the income from the State as one was a stay at home mom for her own child anyway. The other couple belong to our church and have several children assigned to them. I haven't noticed any turnover in their assignees and it is heartwarming to see how they pour their hearts into their foster family.

Friends that have adopted all went thru to process to acquire newborns so they've had them since the day they left the hospital.

The issue becomes one of nurture vs. nature. My BIL and his wife adopted a child from Texas who turned out to be a nightmare. At 16 she became pregnant, and at 21 she died from a drug overdose. My BIL adopted her illegitimate child and raised him until he went into the Marines at 19. I can't begin to tell you the number of fights and police calls they had with this kid, and his disobedience in general.

They weren't the best parents, but they didn't deserve these two kids. I feel that without strong parenting skills, nature will prevail over nurture.

We adopted 5 children.
Biracial son from Texas - 2 months old.
Biracial daughter form Korea - 8 years old.
Triplet daughters from Iowa - 1 year old.
The triplets are now almost 29 years old.
These adoptions were not without problems, but I would to it
all over again in a heartbeat.
There are no guarantees even with biological children.
As Forest Gump said: " Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know....

I don't have any personal experience with either. My sister has done both, and like Sarnella said, she would do it again if she were younger. The only drawback I can remember her speaking of with the foster children is that when you get to see some of the problems the biological parents have, it can break your heart to know that the child will be going back to that. Her take was that at least she was able to try and provide a bright spot for that child for a little while. Older children are often the ones that need the attention and care of a good family, but they've possibly also spent much of the early formative years developing behaviors that don't fit well within functional family norms.

    johnnydoom Older children are often the ones that need the attention and care of a good family, but they've possibly also spent much of the early formative years developing behaviors that don't fit well within functional family norms.

    I suspect older children are also "less desirable" for adoption/fostering, so we may look specifically at these children. But, we're 30 and 26 right now, so "older" is relative. I don't think a 14 y/o would be likely to see a 26 y/o as an authority figure.

    Good feedback so far. It's not all rainbows and roses, for sure. Some kids are already walking a bad path and resistant to change. But that's the risk you take to help someone, right?

    Worst case scenario is they burn the house down.

    Worst worst case scenario is that they attempt violent acts against my wife or me.

      My sister-in-law and brother-in-law on my wife's side adopted. The kids (two boys) they adopted were young. They've dealt with issues with them in their teens, no different from any other family dealing with their own kids. They've turned out okay. 🙂

      I think it's all about where you and your wife are in life, whether you're equipped (physically, emotionally, financially) to deal with the potential struggles.

      Being a parent/provider isn't difficult. Being a good parent is often times difficult, especially when dealing with older kids in their teens who may have some emotional baggage.

      But love tends to conquer all. 🙂

      Being an adopted baby myself, I'm a big big fan of people doing it. However, throw all the financial analysis out of the window right now. That should have no bearing on your decision. If it does, and its weighing on you - don't do it. That's the wrong footing to start such a relationship on.

      Dollar signs be damned, this is a matter of the heart. As said above - love tends to conquer all. Good luck!

      Daughter and SIL adopted a sibling set of 3, eleven years ago. The boys were toddlers and "undamaged" by the past environment. Growing into really great young men. The girl was the eldest and had deep emotional issues. Those issues continue to today. As one poster said, no guarantees even with biological children. If you do go the adoption way, the real need is for a little older children... and those are more apt to have issues due to past challenges.
      My wife and I had 104 foster children through out home. In 1990, I walked one of the foster daughters down the aisle because I was the only dad she could trust. Her biological dad had repeatedly abused her. She and her husband have been married over 20 years and have two grown children. Another came into our home at 9 years old with scars across his back from being beaten. He has now retired from the Army and calls "Mom" every month to check in. Could tell you dozens of stories... most good, some bad. We had our own daughters in our home during that time and were careful to not take in any teenage boys, etc. My wife also brought a number of newborns home from the hospital that we kept until adoptive homes could be found.

      Adoption or fostering is not to be considered as a "feel good" time. Either is not only an awesome responsibility, but can certainly lead to much heartache. Still, the need for both is great!!!
      If you or your wife would ever like to visit, my wife and/or I would always be open to relate our experiences. Never hesitate to PM me for a phone number for either my wife or I. Sometimes "Mom to Mom" can be a rewarding conversation.
      Whichever route you do take... best of luck and thanks for considering giving a child a chance to enjoy a good home each so much is deserving of.