(channeling my Homer Simpson voice...)
Joe: "Uh, hi... this is Joe from Minneapolis, calling in on the PGA Tour rules hotline.... I'd like to report a rules violation on Jeff Overton. Uh, yeah - his ball moved when he grounded his club in the rough."
PGA Tour Hotline: "That's interesting, Joe. I don't think Jeff Overton hasn't been on television for years. Was this last week? A special exemption maybe?"
Joe: "Uh, yeah. I was watching the Ryder Cup highlights Sunday around 2 p.m. on Golf Channel last Sunday and I saw him move his ball. I'm sure he didn't mean to, but, well, you know - rules are rules. By the way - this is like the 9th time I've called in this year... do you guys have like a frequent caller reward, for say like some free golf tickets somewhere out this way next season, or maybe a free tee shirt? A hat? Something? Would I be overstepping my bounds by asking for 4 practice round badges for Augusta next year?
PGA Tour Hotline: "Uh, Joe - hate to break this to you, but the last Ryder Cup Jeff Overton played in was back in 2010 at Celtic Manor, in Wales."
Joe: "Uh, yeah, well, uh, that sounds right. Remember the "boom baby" shot when he holed out from the fairway, on like the 8th hole or something? I think he was playing with Bubba Watson at the time. Well, uh, it was right after that, happened on the next hole."
PGA Tour Hotline: "Joe, that tournament is finished. And it wouldn't matter anyway, since Hunter Mahan duffed that simple chip shot on the last hole on Sunday and ended up losing it for the US, 14-1/2 to 13-1/2. We've not heard much from Hunter since. So if you do happen to see him on a live telecast somewhere - please be sure to call us then and let us know. He probably snuck in uninvited, since he is no longer exempt to play on tour."
Joe: "Uh, okay will-do. But back to that rules violation. I would really appreciate it if you guys would correct the score, for historical accuracy.... not to mention - it would mean a lot to me. Like I said earlier - I've called you guys like 9 times this year and you've not changed the outcome of any of those tournaments. I've got three other buddies who have called in this year and two of them have ended up being right on a couple of their hotline viewer call-ins. I'm still O-fer-ton. Get it - Overton=O-fer-ton? LOL...."
PGA Tour Hotline: "We're sorry, Joe, but that tournament ended over 7 years ago. There's no way we can go back and change the score. Furthermore, you might want to tell your buddies that we're no longer taking viewer call-ins for rules violations, so don't bother with calling us back again regarding rules violations. New policy, effective immediately."
Joe: "Wait, you mean to tell me that you guys no longer care if the guys on tv don't play by the rules? Hey, not for nothing, but this is the primary reason I even watch televised golf to begin with! And now you're telling me I can't call in and tell you that one of your players broke a rule?"
PGA Tour Hotline: "That's what I'm telling you, Joe. We're no longer taking viewer call-ins, but instead will have one of our tour rules officials watching the same live coverage during each televised tournament round that you watch on tv, just to make sure that all televised players are playing by the rules."
Joe: "Dammit! You cannot be serious! You've taken away my sole enjoyment of watching golf on tv! What else am I going to do on the weekends now?"
PGA Tour Hotline: "Well, Joe... might I suggest that you actually get out and play golf on the weekends, enjoy the game, make it your goal to educate those you play with about the rules of the game at your club?"
Joe: "Well, that ain't happening. You see, I, uh, well... let's just say I quit playing the game several years ago, because of this asshole opponent in our club championship who called me out for tapping down a stupid spike mark between my ball and the hole on a measly 10 footer, and the spike mark wasn't even on my intended putting line. Now my ball did roll over the tapped down spike mark, but I still missed the putt. I was in the 5th flight finals, my one big chance to cash-in. The nerve of him... Anyway, I haven't played in years, the game has gotten much too hard for me."
PGA Tour Hotline: "Oh, I see... so you didn't believe in playing by the rules yourself, but couldn't wait to call out the guys on tv for something that you thought was illegal?"
Joe: "Uh, well - I'm not making 20 million a year like those guys are. Duh. They should be held to a higher standard."
PGA Tour Hotline: "Not if you're playing by the rules, Joe. Now if you don't mind, we're kinda busy here...."
Joe: "Uh, wait. Can I, uh, still get a couple of tournament passes? Or a tee shirt at least? I've invested a huge part of my weekends these past seven years and, uh"
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Good riddance to Joe.