Did you know that if you sneeze and fart at the same time, the body takes a screenshot?
Dad Jokes
A friend recently quit his job at the erectile dysfunctional clinic.
He said he hadn't gotten a raise in years.
5 days later
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes... so she gave me a hug.
15 days later
My paraplegic girlfriend decided to dump me last night, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me this morning...
Just heard that the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.
One of the worst pieces of advice I ever received was that if I get a vasectomy it'll keep my wife from getting pregnant.
I've discovered that's not true. All it does is change the color of the baby's skin.
Q. What's so good about living in Switzerland?
A. I don't know, what?
I don't know either but the flag is a big plus.....
Why didn’t they ever come out with a pregnant Barbie?
Cuz Ken always came in a different box
Just watched a powerpoint presentation about water parks.
There were a lot of slides.
My wife got angry with me because I never buy her flowers...... I didn't even know she SOLD flowers!
Why did Snoop Dog need an umbrella?
Fo'Drizzle
In Boston a fish that makes loans is called a credit cod.
4 days later
9 days later
- Edited
My wife said if I didn't stop singing 'I'm a believer' all the time, she was going to leave me.
I thought she wasn't serious, but when I saw her face...
a month later
I have a friend who is addicted to brake fluid; he assures me that he can stop any time.
I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.