PA-PLAYA I had a feeling my dad was stealing from the state highway department. So I walked into his garage. All the signs were there.
rsvman2 Nurse: Doctor, ther's an invisible man in the waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
PA-PLAYA I told my doctor that I think I’m losing my hearing. He said, “Describe the symptoms.” I told him, “Homer is fat, yellow, and loves beer, and Marge has blue hair.”
PA-PLAYA I walked by my refrigerator and thought I heard a Bee Gees song playing inside it. I opened the door and turns out it was just the chives talking.
azgreg I had an appointment to see my psychic next week. But she called me up and told me I wouldn't be able to make it.
azgreg Flight Attendant: "Do you want headphones?" Me: "Yes but how did you know my name was Phones?"
PA-PLAYA I just learned that the guy who invented the Ferris Wheel and the guy who invented the Merry-Go-Round never knew each other. Apparently they traveled in different circles.
PA-PLAYA My nephew asked me where he could go to find a job. I told him he should check out the local search and rescue team. They're always looking for people.
Par4QC The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years. Being a trail guide was not a great idea.
PA-PLAYA I ran track in high school and was a fairly good runner. But I was not the fastest. That kid's name was Andy Zoff
PA-PLAYA There's a new species of head lice going around that is far more pervasive and harder to get rid of than regular lice. It has the medical science community really scratching their heads.
azgreg I paid the guy in cash and bought a dog named "Bob Barker" because, well, to be perfectly honest... ...the Price was Right.
azgreg I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don't even have a coconut!”
PA-PLAYA I saw a Bose bluetooth speaker today for $10. I asked the guy in the store what was wrong with it, he said it was stuck on max volume. I thought, "there's no way I can turn that down."
PA-PLAYA As I was walking home last night, I passed a strawberry shortcake, a lemon meringue pie, and an ice cream sundae. I thought to myself, “The streets seem strangely desserted tonight.”
PA-PLAYA I once had two girlfriends at the same time, Kate & Edith. But I found that the old saying is true. You can't have Kate & Edith too.