Joke of the Day

mikeintopeka · 2017-01-23T22:41:16+00:00

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driv...

Hammer4413

rsvman2

A guy got attacked by a tiger and it ate the entire left side of his body. I couldn't believe it when I heard he was all right.

Hammer4413

rsvman2

Hammer4413 An oldie but a goodie. 😁

Walterjn

Bravopilot

Joe was playing golf all alone as he stood on the 150-yard par-3 9th hole. Just as Joe approached the tee a voice from the heavens said, “Joe, use a new ball.”

Joe looked around and not a soul was in view, so he put a brand new ball on the tee.

Before he could take his shot the same voice called, “Joe, take a practice swing.”

Joe obeyed and swung as hard as he could, slightly off balance at the end.

The same voice called one last time, “Joe, use that old ball.”

sdandrea1

My New Japanese Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste time on exercise. Everything wear
out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it’s like saying you extend life of a car by
driving faster. Want to live longer? - Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out
of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. -
Bottoms up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain ...very good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around.
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! Round is also a shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Finally, the Japanese Doctor summed up:
Look mister, l Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand - chocolate in
the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride my life
was!!!!!
Eat whatever you like because you will still DIE, don't allow motivational speakers deceive you.

The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54.
The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57.
The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41.
The best footballer in the world Maradona died at the age of 60.

BUT

The KFC inventor died at 94.
Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88.
Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102.
The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake.
Hennessy Cognac inventor died at 98.
How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?
The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t
exercise at all, lives 400 years.
So, take some rest, Chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.
You will still die.

Sarnella

sdandrea1
LMAO!!!

PA-PLAYA

My wife has been missing for a week, and the police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I went back to Goodwill and got all her stuff back.

Rickochet

PA-PLAYA My wife has been missing for a week, and the police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I went back to Goodwill and got all her stuff back.

Reminds me of state trooper pulls guy over for speeding. He tells him he was doing 100 mph. The driver tells him that he has a good excuse. Trooper says if he cantell him an excuse he believed that he would let him off with a warning. Guys says that a month ago my wife ran off with a trooper. I thought that you were bringing her back.

sdandrea1

https://x.com/ClubProGuy/status/1710350681096253584?s=20

Eguller

sdandrea1

Not sure that is a joke. 🙄🤣

sdandrea1

Eguller Not sure that is a joke. 🙄🤣

Funny expression of the truth......

PA-PLAYA

Rickochet

That's funny 😂

mulegolf

A Man's Biggest Wishes
A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground. Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he wants. “First,” says the man, “I want a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers and a briefcase full of money materializes out of thin air. The man is wide eyed in amazement and continues, “Next, I want a Ferrari.” The genie snaps his fingers and a Ferrari appears from a puff of smoke. The man continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” The genie snaps his fingers and the man promptly turns into a box of chocolates.

mulegolf

The Wrong Kind of Wish
A huge muscular man with a tiny head walks into a bar and orders a beer. The Bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it is really phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously answered this question many times. "One day", he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to the stream. So i picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.' So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said - 'You now have 3 wishes.' I looked at my scrawny 60kg body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.' She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She asked, 'What will be your second wish?' I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish, what will it be?' I looked at her and replied, 'How 'bout a little head?'

Rickochet

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "What's with the long face?"

Rickochet

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He hears music and looks over and see's a little guy who is only a foot tall playing the piano. He asks the bartender about the piano player and is told that the bartender was at the beach on vacation. He sees a lamp wash up on the beach. He rubs on it to see the inscriptions and a genie pops out. The genie is very old and had been in the lamp for many years. To thank him he grants the bartender one wish for something he has always wanted. He said the the old genie must have been a bit hard of hearing. He points over to the little guy playing the piano and told him the genie gave him a 12 inch pianist.

Luc_Van_Daele

Indeed

Bravopilot

Artery- The study of paintings

Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria

Barium- What doctors do when patients die

Benign- What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section- A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan- Searching for Kitty

Cauterize- Made eye contact with her

Colic- A sheep dog

Coma- A punctuation mark

Dilate- To live long

Enema- Not a friend

Fester- Quicker than someone else

Fibula- A small lie

Impotent- Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain- Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff- A Doctor's cane

Morbid- A higher offer

Nitrates- Cheaper than day rates

Node- I knew it

Outpatient- A person who has fainted

Pelvis- Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative- A letter carrier

Recovery Room- Place to do upholstery

Rectum- Nearly killed him

Secretion- Hiding something

Seizure- Roman emperor

Tablet- A small table

Terminal Illness- Getting sick at the airport

Tumor- One plus one more

Urine- Opposite of you're

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