If you have 35 items in your large shopping cart, and there is a sign in the checkout line you're waiting in specifically stating: "EXPRESS LANE, LESS THAN 15 ITEMS", and ESPECIALLY if you have several people in line waiting behind you with only 4-5 items - I think it's pretty safe to assume that you're a FREAKIN ASSHOLE. And should you show up in an express checkout lane with 35 items, with people waiting behind you, and then you argue with the cashier about the toaster strudels that should've been ten cents less and then force her to do a 5-minute freaking price check... you are worse than a freaking asshole. You're the little dingleberries that dangle from your ass/crotch.

And for the love of God... why do these grocery chains have self-checkouts? THESE MACHINES NEVER WORK.

Me: scanning item. Hear the beep saying that the price scan was successful. Put the item in the nearest plastic bag holder.

Only to hear, "Please remove item." I remove the item. Punch the button on the screen to rescan. Nothing. All I see is a little hourglass bottle turning up and down. Followed by, "Please wait for assistance."

I look left. I look right. Nothing. Where's the f-ing assistance? No customer service person within a mile of the store. The system is locked up because the scale that the bags sit on is f-d up. Go over to the customer service counter, where I politely inconvenienced a 20-yr-old kid who has her face planted into her cellphone. "AHEM...." She gazes up from her phone screen like I'd just egged her f-ing car. "Can I help you?"

Probably not, because you're a dipshit who is making 10 bucks an hour, who should be making 5 bucks an hour, but thinks they're entitled to 15 bucks an hour. But hang in there, because the management at this store is so incompetent - you just might get it!

"Yeah, my self-checkout register is frozen. There's a line forming behind me, saw two other people with the same problem."

She says, "Let me page someone. I can't leave this area."

Oh, great. Grocery stores now have playpen areas for kids who haven't figured out how to chew gum and walk at the same time. Why not just put a baby monitor in the break room, tell them to not damage anything of value while they watch Barney and color, lock them inside.

5 minutes. Still there. 7 minutes. Still there. 10 minutes - I leave my shit in the cart, leave the items in the bag, and become the FREAKING DINGLEBERRY ASSHOLE that I despise as I just walked out the door... all because of this time-saving, convenience-enhancing grocery store technology that always seems to need a person with a keycard to swipe and punch in a bunch of numbers and then smile and tell you - you're good, but then 2 items later - you're not good. Wash, rinse, repeat.

THERE IS NOTHING EXPRESS ABOUT THESE EXPRESS SELF CHECKOUTS.

/rant